Heads up – a long first post. Stick with me!
By Tuesday afternoons I am thinking about water. Not because of the unbearable summer heat. No, I think about water in the winter, too. On the coldest and grayest of days, I contemplate just how much water the waterproof blanket I ordered will repel and whether or not splash pants will go over jeans and wool leggings after all the pie I ate last night.
On Tuesdays I push these thoughts out of my mind for a bit, focus on work, then break to check the weekend weather. If it’s not sleeting or storming (and that means lightning), my decision is made. I’m going.
Once the decision is made, however, the resonating sound of guilt starts. Using the voice of inner judgment (we all have one and you know yours intimately), my mind plays the list of things that I need to do this weekend; laundry, organize the pantry, organize the schedules, organize the mail, dust, work a little overtime for good measure (I work in non-profit so I’m always compelled to do more), plant a garden, clean out my car, create a budget, work out, visit the sick, get to know my neighbors better, meal prep (this is really a stretch–I don’t actually cook), train the dog (also a stretch-she’s a stubborn, lovable butthead). In sum, do more, do better, be excellent, hurry up.
ENOUGH, I tell the voice! I made a decision. It’s made. Now I’m sweeping the fridge for anything that can be put in the cooler (not wasting alleviates some guilt), double checking the gauges behind Luke (he needs no convincing to go), and the only laundry I’m pushing through is wool!! Price of gas be damned, I’m determined, and I’m antsy. I know in my soul that nothing will stop me from getting out, as though not going will imperil my very survival. I’m addicted like Thoreau and Frost and Whitman. How did I become this woman? Believe me friends, I used to be different! I once complained to the manager because there were too many stairs to get to the pool at the country club.
But something changed for me when I began to search for my authentic self. I wanted to connect to myself and to my God. I was empty and self-seeking for a number of years. A good person, a kind person, but a limited and reactionary woman. I was chronically irritated and restless. Few people could live up to my expectations, and certainly I could not do enough to make myself happy.
Recognize that woman (or man–both sexes have the tendency to be restless and irritable)?
We all have that dissatisfied part of us that eventually envelops our psyche like Virginia Creeper, but I’ve learned how to stunt that growth with something better than Round Up. It’s called presence! I found it outdoors. You can, too.
To begin, I had to let go of guilt. It’s a nasty little tether and it’s misused and misplaced in our society. Guilt is necessary when we do morally questionable things, not when we take time for ourselves. If you’re new to the outdoors, I suggest you make a decision and go! Don’t question yourself, and don’t give up when it doesn’t go as planned. You’ll learn that experiences that go according to plan teach you nothing, and those that miss the plan entirely are the best experiences.
For the mommas and daddies, you spend plenty of time doing everything with your kids you don’t always want to do (starting with midnight feedings, ending with never, and in the center are years at the ballpark). Choosing this healthy and centering activity and encouraging them to join is not only ok, but necessary!
Look, no phone!
When we choose to listen to the guilt that tells us we aren’t doing enough for our families we become disconnected, and the Virginia Creeper thrives on self-neglect. Don’t feed the weed!
The author Michael Hoffner, LMSW offers in his book, God’s Presence in the Present, that once the guilt self–rhetoric is established, we find ourselves perpetually incomplete. This state leaves us searching externally to feel whole. Our entire self-worth becomes wrapped up in our role as parents, not who we are authentically. This is at best a lie, and at worst a sorely pitiful way to live as a perfection chaser. Worse still, we inadvertently place these expectations on our children.
So, who are we besides the roles we play? What is innate at the center? What makes us whole? What if we could connect with ourselves and learn who we are simply by seeing the world as God (or the Universe if you prefer) designed it. What if, in doing so, we removed fear and anxiety and replaced those stubborn weeds with gratitude?
The very idea of “Nature Therapy” and biophilia have been around for a century or so. The hundreds of trails and parks and protected places in our state speak to the overwhelming consensus that nature is worth preserving and utilizing.
If you haven’t felt the overwhelming pull to get out there yet, let me help push you forward. Being in nature changes your brain psychology! This is because we come from nature, and when we return to it, our souls merge with the air, water and earth. It makes us happy, almost 100% of the time.
Going back to what God sees and how it applies to our self-talk; looking through our own lenses, we instinctively begin to rush. There is so much to do! We see a dirty house, a practice schedule, a deadline and an empty fridge. Our babies will suffer if we don’t get them to the game! They won’t be athletic or teammates, healthy or confident. We can’t nourish them unless we go to the store and buy items (which we have no part in growing by the way, but I digress).
Now, step into the places less touched by man and perfected by God’s creation. You will look through the lenses of the universe. Can we still exercise and be teammates when we hike and paddle? Do we not still learn responsibility when we leave no trace? Can we be fed nourishment of air crisp with fall decay or ripe with spring blossoms or stiller than we thought possible in winter’s rest? Can we not relax in the same pattern of the Earth? All organic things will collectively sigh on top of any cliff in the Ozarks on any given day in February. Try it.
But I must warn you, you cannot expect the gifts of nature to be given freely if you pack in a cluttered mind. Nature hides from clutter. Its own clutter makes perfect sense and it cannot abide by the temporal clutter of mankind. The goal is self-connection. For me this also means a God connection. My dear friend Sharon Giovinazzo, a blind kayaker and bi-athlete, calls it a connection with GUS or Great Universal Spirit. Prepare to connect with your idea of the creator by clearing your heart of all things that don’t really matter. Even without sight, Sharon connects by clearing her heart and tuning into her other senses.
But it’s so hard!
Yes it is!
That’s because it requires letting go of the person you like to show others and being honest about who you are in the moment.
Presence.
By doing nothing more than observing and thanking, we self connect. Slowly, the restlessness becomes satiated. We are less inclined to worry and more inclined to laugh at ourselves. We look up from the brilliant red of a tiny mushroom, and our lenses have changed.
Changed Lenses
Because nature is not designed by man, there is no worry, scurry, tragedy or greatness that isn’t perfectly timed. How can we not be in awe?
When anxiety seeps in (it always does) simply stop and observe it. Ask for presence from the trees and boulders. You can–Ma Nature made ‘em and you’re probably not the first to ask! Look to the tiny foundational elements that support it all. My friend and nature photographer Kristin Jones often captures the complexity of the smallest and most overlooked in nature, such as the markings of a snail or the symmetry of foam in river water. She uses her camera as a “tool” to mark presence. I cannot take pictures like Kristin, but I can surely observe the way a trail’s terrain changes from dense silent forest to a sunny valley filled with the sounds of insects and birds. I can pause. I can listen closely. I can offer a prayer of thanks (it just takes one breath). I can then take a few steps farther into my journey.
When you return home that other stuff – the work, the pantry, the laundry, the schedule – will be there. All of it. But you will be a better mother, wife, employee or employer, sister, brother, father, daughter, son and friend. All the roles will be waiting, and you’ll take them on as never before because you’ll be a little lighter (emotionally and physically). When you feel the Virgina Creeper growing, I promise you’ll be able to connect back to your time in nature, and to your authentic self and slow the growth. And you’ll have done it all for free.
Wishing you peace and presence,
Bec
- A Bit About Being Present - July 4, 2022
